Listmania

I got married. And I started questioning everything.

Not the husband, I hasten to add. No no. All is well in that particular department. All for the best, considering we're now wed.

But rather I started to question lots of other stuff. My job, for starters. Although I'm uber-committed to it (possibly too committed, in some ways), there are aspects of it with which I'm not happy. My house. Let's face it: I'm here by accident of history. And although 'here' is just grand, and now has a fancy-ass new boiler (BORE OFF) and paintings on the walls and an entire alcove of bookshelves - the joy - it is very definitely in a city. And I am not definite about being in a city.

I'm not being a dick. But I'm doing OK work-wise and life-wise. Could I afford to take a bit of time out and have an adventure? Thus far in life, I have been VERY safe. If I want to do something I need to just bloody well go for it...don't I?

I asked Google. Is it normal to question - YOUR SEXUALITY? asked the Google drop-down guess bar. You know when Google gets a bit pre-emptive on you? No, I said. Is it normal to question - YOUR SANITY? REALITY? YOUR RELATIONSHIP? Woah there, Google. Quit with the amateur-psychoanalysis. Is it normal to question EVERYTHING? And I found some articles about OCD and an online shoot-em-up game. Eeeeh?

So I talked to Bedders. Bedders felt similarly. Phew. So what the feck should we do? 

We did what everyone should do in times of crisis. We made a LIST. Lists are like tea - they sort everything out. 

This is what I looked like, making aforementioned list. Except with not-so-good hair. Bette Davis, I salute you.

(from wehadfacesthen.tumblr.com)

It went like this.


LIKES:


EACH OTHER (HURRAH!)
RUNNING
WRITING
NICE HOUSEY THINGS - ANTIQUES, CURIOS, PICTURES...
NICE HOUSE
COMMUNITY WORK
BLOGS
MYSTERY TRIPS (BUT NOT AS AN ANITDOTE TO MISERY)
BOOKS
THE COUNTRYSIDE
BEING OUTSIDE
CAMPING
ACTUAL BODILY TIREDNESS (THE SATISFIED KIND)
IRISH STUFF
HAVING AN ADVENTURE PLANNED
TUTORING
SHEARING SHEEP
FEELING FIT
GENUINE PEOPLE WHO ARE COMFORTABLE WITH THEMSELVES (FOLLOWING WITH A LIST OF FRIENDS WHO WE'D DESCRIBE IN SUCH A WAY)

This picture really makes me smile.

Then came the dislikes.

DRIVING
LONG DAYS
BORING DOMESTIC SHIT
FEELING STRESSED
RISING PANIC
FEELING UNFIT
COMPARING SELF TO OTHERS
WORRYING ABOUT WHAT CLOTHES TO WEAR
INDECISION
DRIZZLE
TARGETS
BEING A MANAGER OF OTHER PEOPLE
BAD SKIN (BLATANTLY STRESS-RELATED)

This was an interesting process. I thought I cared a lot about having money (I know. How vile and shallow). But I don't really think I do (Ahaaaa, you cry. You only 'don't care' about money because money isn't an issue! If it WAS an issue, you WOULD care about it!). Apart from the 'house/housey stuff' point, I don't much care for it. My mother would probably say, 'You're always gallavanting across the country and staying in fancy places.' This is true. I do like a swish country B&B. But all too often we book these things as an antidote to misery, and that is No Good. No Good At All.

Looking at the lists, I felt a bit like I'd been doing things backwards. I go and pay people to stay in their lovely home where they work for themselves as an antidote to my own life where I'm based in the city and I'm a slave to the wage.

So. There is no resolution as of yet. But I am working on it. Thoughts appreciated.